As a 35-year resident of Boston I would like to offer you tourists who visit our mess of a city some advice.
First of all don't come yet. Every single neighborhood in Boston is under construction. Due to the backwash from the Big Dig project the entire infrastructure of the city is slowly being replaced. There should be a sign at the city line that reads:
"Please pardon our appearance while we rebuild the city. Come back in 10 years when we're done."
Unless you are a masochist or totally insane don't drive in Boston. When you arrive at your hotel leave your car in the garage until you are ready to leave the city. Walk, take cabs, take the subway, crawl -- anything, but don't drive. There is simply no way on earth you can drive around Boston and expect to get anywhere but lost. Due the decade long Big Dig project Boston has become totally unnavigable to even long-time residents. Streets appear and disappear on weekly basis and all maps are useless.
Should you choose to drive in the city here are few guidelines for you to follow:
Always carry at least 3 or 4 dollars in quarters. Nothing annoys the local citizens more than tourists asking for change.
Parking meters operate from 8AM - 8 PM. We just like to point that out because your chances of finding any on-street parking with an open meter are laughable at best. Expect to pay $25-$35 a day to park your car in a garage. And if you're not out of the garage by 6PM add another $10-$15 to the total.
Make sure you have a full tank of gas before you come into the city. There is only one gas station in all of downtown Boston and you can't get there from here.
When people tell you "you can't get there from here" believe them.
The Southeast Expressway is a parking lot 8-10 hours a day. The Big Dig hasn't help one bit. During rush hour it can take up to a hour to get through the city (approx. 1 1/2 miles) on the "expressway".
It's called the Mass Pike, not I-90. If you ask anyone how to get to I-90 they won't know what you're talking about.
#1 Rule of Boston Driving: What's behind you is of no concern.
#2 Rule of Boston Driving: GET THE #**!!# OUT OF MY WAY YOU FREAKING #@&*!!!
There are no other Boston Driving Rules. It's like a Mad Max movie.
Street lights and traffic signs are merely offered as suggestions for possible behavior. We don't care. I'm the only one who matters and all these other idiot drivers are just in my way.
Turn signals on your car are fun to play with and mean nothing.
Traffic Circle - or 'Rotarys' as we call them - are wasted on Boston drivers since the entire concept of 'MERGE' is an unknown idea. No Boston driver in history has ever voluntarily ever ever ever allowed another car to go in front of them - See Rule #2 above
Route 128 North/South actually goes East/West. 128 and I-95 are the same road and no can tell you where it turns from one into the other. Long time residents simply refer to it all a 128 since someone suddenly changed the name to a chunk of it to 95 a decade ago. Go figure.
If there is a Red Sox game at Fenway Park avoid that entire part of the city. Traffic does not move during a game and there is nowhere to park for a 20-block radius.
Expect pedestrians to walk out in front of you. We're bad drivers and we're worse pedestrians. We cross in the middle of the block or wherever it suits us.
Boylston Street is like our Main Street and during most of the day there are delivery trucks double and triple parked on both sides - so it's slow going.
Massachusetts Aveunue (Mass Ave.) goes North/South through Boston over the Charles River and through Cambridge. It's the slowest road in the entire state.
And here's a few more hints to make your visit enjoyable:
Cambridge is that other city across the river full of old hippies and M.I.T. weirdos. We never go there so don't ask us about it.
Bostonians by nature are cold and unfriendly. Don't expect any good-natured Mid-Western behavior from us. Sorry but the long winters do take their toll. If someone is nice, friendly and talkative they are probably from out of town - or an escapee from the looney bin.
Yea we know that everything is expensive here. We live here.
There are Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks ever 10 feet so you can always get a sugar snack or an overpriced caffeine drink.
We don't care about Fanieul Hall Marketplace. We know it's there and we ignore it. It was built for tourists.
We don't know where Aerosmith lives. A lot of famous people live here. We don't care.
We no longer care about "Cheers" so stop asking us where it is. Find "Cheers" on your own. It's on Beacon Street. If you can't find Beacon Street then go home.
The Liberty Bell is in Philadelphia, not Boston. Stop asking us where it is.
Don't talk to anyone on the subway. It's not done. We don't want to talk to you. We don't want to give you directions. We know Boston is pretty. We just want to be left alone. It's Summer, it's hot and sticky, we're miserable. Figure it all out for yourself.
Don't be fooled by the quite pretty city that Boston seems to be in the Summer. You are visiting us at the time of year when the 150,000 college students have left. Come back in the fall and you will experience a totally different city.
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