When this year's show host Chris Rock introduced 2 lovely Hispanic actresses and felt the need to make a totally inappropriate and tasteless joke about their boobs I wanted to put my fist through the TV set... and that was one of the better moments on the show.
Have we as a culture and a civilization sunk that low? Have we become so devoid of class that we need to make boob jokes on the Oscars? Leave that stuff for Joan Rivers to do outside the building. Inside the building this is the Oscars, not Urban Laugh Jam Night at Chuckles Comedy Club.
Shame Shame Shame on you Oscars - and thank you Sean Penn for being the only one in the show with enough taste to comment on things.
I for one am appalled - and disappointed. Until recently watching the Oscars was like having a private window into the most sophisticated adult party of the year. Bob Hope or Johnny Carson would kid with the participants and make gentle, but very funny, jokes and comments throughout the evening. It all worked beautifully because you knew that Hope and Carson were part of this community. These people were their friends and colleges so it was OK to kid around with them. Adults do that sort of thing. And we love watching them do it.
Chris Rock is not part of the Oscar community. Not that there is anything wrong with Chris Rock - but he is hardly Oscar-level material. Rock came across like some snotty kid with his nose to the window trying to see how many insults he could think up about the people at the party. That's Entertainment?? I think not. That may work for some tacky award show like the MTV awards where Lil Kim has her left breast hanging down, but for crying out loud, this is the Oscars we're talking about!
If the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' mission is to promote the "art" of films then let's show a little class and dignity folks! Here are some of my thoughts about what we need to do to make the Oscars TV show watchable:
An Age Appropriate Host:
How about getting someone to host the Oscars with a significant career level of achievement and longevity. Not some punk comedian, but someone who is a genuine 'Player'. For your consideration I would suggest Robert Redford, Harrison Ford, Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty, Sidney Pollack, Martin Scorsese or Gene Hackman.
2 Hour Time Limit:
And please for the love of almighty GOD cut the damn show to 2 hours, tops...not a minute more! If the Oscars are in fact THE awards show of the year, then let's treat it as such. 57 million viewers around the globe do not tune in to watch Vichuk the Latvian cinematographer get up on stage and blather on for 3 minutes about winning for his 5-minute animated short film about left-handed Eskimos -- that no one ever saw. Give Vichuck his award earlier in the day and let him sit in the audience with his statue but keep him off the stage during the show! We want to see movie stars. We want to see big time celebrities. We want to see the adults of the movie world flubbing their lines and kidding around with each other. We don't want to see Esmirelda Bumberschwartz, and her third world interpreter, gushing over an Oscar for a film that no one saw. Documentary Short Subject? What the hell is that? Where on earth would ANY normal human being EVER see one of these Short Subjects? And yet they, and lots of other obscure awards, are given the same amount of air time as the Best Actress Award or Best Picture? Why? No one cares! We don't need to see them. By eliminating all that nonsense we just cut 30 minutes from the show. We're on the right track. But let's keep going.
Enough with Beyonce already! What, they couldn't find another singer in Hollywood? She has now done more 'singing' on an Oscar show than anyone, ever. At least she wasn't lip-synching...was she?
Tony Bennett or no one:
Since the era of the musical is long over most songs from movies generally suck -- and this year's crop of songs realllllllly sucked! So here's my solution. Have Tony Bennett do a medley of the songs. If Tony can't sing them then they shouldn't even be in consideration for an award. Anything that remotely smacks of Rap or Hip Hop is not really music and should not even be considered. And if the song is in a foreign language make them sing it with English lyrics. Antonio Bandares is lovely but I have no idea what he was singing about - and as a result, I DON'T CARE! Sing it in English... or put subtitles for the lyrics.
Short Acceptance Speeches:
Anyone whose speech goes over a minute gets slammed in the left knee with a baseball bat. This year's World Series MVP player will be standing just off camera with a Louisville Slugger warmed up and ready to hit. I know that's extreme but we have to do something. Hey, no one ever said being an actor was easy. These people are actors and actresses who live for their moment in the spotlight. And we actually expect them to not gush on and on and on and on? They live for such moments! Pain is the only thing they understand.
How about some History?
Do you know who the hell Jean Hersholt is? Or why is there a humanitarian award in his name? Why don't they tell us that? How about a little history lesson here?
Fashion Captions:
Since the gowns and outfits are of major concern to everyone let's put a caption at the bottom of the screen for each presenter. It would give all the information about their outfit and how much their jewelry is worth. Now that should open up some interesting competition among the presenters!
R.I.P.
Every year a new crop of corpses washes up on the rocky shores of Hollywood and the Oscars feel compelled to pay them tribute. Fine. Unfortunately the annual tribute has become like a dead person popularity contest because we can hear the audience applauding to each face on the screen. That's just horrendous. Of course a famous actor is going to get more applause than a dead camera man but how awful it must be for their families to hear that. Do a nice tribute with photos and some music by John Williams or Andrew Lloyd Weber and keep the audience out of it.
Finally:
And last but not least, give Martin Scorsese a freaking Oscar! RIGHT NOW!!!
Clint Eastwood is the man -- no question -- but the fact that he got the Oscar for "Million Dollar Baby" and Scorsese didn't get it for "The Aviator" is simply pathetic! And while I'm at it why he didn't get an Oscar for "New York, New York" or "Mean Streets" or "Taxi Driver" or "Gangs of New York" or "Raging Bull" (the second greatest movie EVER made next to Citizen Kane)? It's just pathetic.
But, as Dennis Miller says, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
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